I know most of you have been reading my face book posts but I just can't seem to keep up with all the questions everyone seems to have so I hope my posting on my blog is okay. I will try to keep you updated as much as possible.
Also please remember that I have no laptop and that I try to be on the computer very little each day. Bed rest is my main goal right now and taking care of Alana - luckily she is being a very good little girl for mommy :) .
Be prepared that I am holding nothing back and it may sound a little depressing and disheartening at times but that is my life right now and I want/need you to know that that is what is happening.
When it is good news I will tell it like it is - when it is bad news I will as well. It may also have a little bit too much detail at times but I will try and not be too awfully gory. Also for those who just read from Google Reader I have posted on the side note what pPROM is all about and a little of my story just as an overview.
So here we go... I will start at the beginning.
I would have to say October 8th was the one of the worst days of my life so far - that is when my membranes ruptured and the doctors told me that there is no hope, to go home and wait for a miscarriage. I now have one of the most high risks pregnancies possible. Preterm Premature Ruptures of the Membranes only occurs in about 3% of pregnancies, and there is only a 1% chance our baby will even make it if I do make it to "full term" which in my situation is considered about 34ish weeks.
As of today I am 16 weeks and 5 days along, my water broke when I was 13 weeks and 6 days. I have about another 17 weeks on bed rest to make it to 34 weeks.
It all started on Friday three weeks ago - it had been a pretty busy day. Running errands, helping family, doing my water aerobics, and fixing dinner for my family that was visiting (all 18 of us) . This is really not that unusual, I am a very busy mama and I love it! My thought was that I had made it past the horrible 12 week point where most miscarriages occur and that I had had a perfectly healthy pregnancy with Alana. I thought I was in the clear.
Well as I was cooking dinner, I was standing at the stove stirring the pot of spaghetti when I suddenly felt a little gush of water - I had actually thought that I just couldn't hold it anymore and I'd just wet my pants, so off to the bathroom I went. After changing, I went back to the stove and not more than 30 seconds later, here came another gush and of course this time I KNEW cause I had just emptied my bladder. So off to the bathroom I went and sure enough - clear fluid.
So I come out of the bathroom and it was absolute chaos in my house! In that 1 min I was in the bathroom the stove had started beeping with an error code, the kids had been called into eat and nobody knew where David or I was! So after having one of the kids go get David, I'm starting to tell him that I'm pretty sure my water just broke - poor David was so overwhelmed what with the beeping still in the background and the kids being kids, it was pretty hard to grasp.
We figured out that the error code was caused by the pot of noodles getting the console in the back of the stove to hot and it didn't like that. We got the kids settled down to dinner and all this time I'm feeling more and more little gushes of fluid. And after hearing what was happening with me, my sisters are pushing us out the door to get to the hospital. Whew it was crazy! My sisters were pretty awesome though and took care of everything. And before we left my wonderful husband and brother-in-law were able to give me a blessing.
So after getting to Kadlec the ER staff was pretty busy but they got us back in a room in about 10 - 15 min. The nurse came in soon after and tried to find a heartbeat with a doppler but it was just to early in my pregnancy for the doppler to find anything. So then the doctor comes in and is able to look and see that my cervix is still closed and that fluid is definitely leaking. So he gets a sample and sends it off to be checked.
So we waited for the results for about an hour, and the doctor comes back in and says that the test was positive for amniotic fluid and that he's really sorry. He said he had called the doctor on call for my ob/gyn clinic and was waiting for a call back, he would let us know what the ob doctor said. About 45 min later he comes back in with the ultrasound machine and says that the doctor said to do an ultrasound to see if there is any fluid. So he checks and there is no fluid at all but there is a heartbeat. He proceeds to give us the bad news that I will probably pass the baby in the next two days and that he is so sorry - he was a very compassionate person, but it was just horribly devastating to us. So after a few minutes we kinda pulled ourselves together and were discharged with the instructions for bed rest and to take antibiotics to decrease infection.
So I get home and immediately head to bed. My sister Becky had already left, since it was so late and my sister Brenda had already been planning on staying the night so she was there and my sis-in-law Nancy was there as well, she doesn't live to far luckily and has been my lifesaver during everything. The bishop and our home teacher came over and together with my husband they gave me another blessing which was so comforting and awesome, it is so wonderful to have such wonderful people in our lives!!
After two days on bed rest we call the doctor on Monday and they want to see us right away for another ultrasound. So I go in and once again there is no measurable fluid but there was a strong heartbeat - this baby WANTED to make it!!!. That is when the Dr advised that I should terminate the baby. That was really hard to take in. Termination. It just wasn't in my vocabulary in regards to a baby. She kept talking about the risk of infection to me and about the risk of my not being able to have more kids and it all just felt so surreal and horrible, I wasn't really grasping anything, I felt like I was in a bubble or something, I think if I wasn't already laying down I may have passed out.
The Dr said she wanted to see me again the next day at labor and delivery in the hospital to see if the baby was still alive and then they would induce labor, if the baby had passed by then. So I went home and stayed in bed for all the rest of Monday and Tuesday - I just didn't feel like I wanted to go in to see her that day so I just didn't go, I was not ready to give up yet! - I waited till the next day, Wednesday.
Well when we got to Labor and Delivery (L&D) the next day they (the nurses) were not expecting us - they were expecting to just call us when they were ready for us, but they were so great and got us in a room and I had blood work done and another ultrasound done. That beautiful sweet baby of ours was still hangin in there!! With still no fluid though - I just couldn't believe that our baby was still fighting!!! Seeing that heartbeat gave me hope. And that's when we knew we were in it for the long haul - if this baby was gonna keep fighting then so were we!!
I told the nurse that as long as there was a heartbeat we were not terminating, no matter the risk to me. That's when Dr. Howerton came in and just told it to us straight, that there is not much hope but it was our choice to keep going. He was really great. He didn't mention termination again then or since, I'm glad we got to see him and not Mrs. doom and gloom Dr from Monday - it made a lot of difference. So after chatting with him for about 20 min or so we went home - he told us that modified bed rest was probably okay cause bed rest didn't seem to matter all that much, and to come back and see him in a week, the next wed.
David went back to work the next day - Thursday - and I took it fairly easy for the next week. I may have done a little more than I should have though. I really had a hard time adjusting to the whole bed rest thing.
Wednesday the 20th I had my fourth ultrasound. It was the same as the other ones - a strong heartbeat and no fluid. Poor baby was troopin along the best way he/she knew how. It just amazes me that they can survive inside for so long and yet outside the womb there may not be any hope.
Once again Dr. Howerton saw me and there wasn't much he could really tell me that I didn't already know. He wanted to see me the next week for another ultrasound but I asked him if we could do it in two weeks - he was like sure, that's fine too. My thought is - it's not like it matters either way it turns out - the ultrasound actually kinda depresses me cause of all the sad and pitying looks I get from complete strangers. I love seeing the heartbeat - don't get me wrong but the no fluid thing really puts a damper on things, definitely no fun.
And that brings us to today. One upside to everything now is that at this point I can feel the baby moving. That is a great feeling and I really cherish every time I feel that sweet baby of mine making him/herself known. Not only do I know that the baby is still with us, and is very reassuring, but it's a time I feel closer to the baby I may never be able to see alive.
I want you all to know that prayers for us are so wonderful - I really do feel the strength from you - and your continued prayers are very welcome. I know it's hard to know what to say in a situation such as mine (if the situation was reversed I know I would feel the same) just know that I read your comments and appreciate any uplifting things you say - I love you all.