Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Sometimes I don't wanna...

do anything! yes it's been one of those days, where I just don't care! Poor Alana's taking the brunt of it, eating out of paper bowls and wearing the same thing as yesterday. Good thing she's so easy going and doesn't care.

I found out that I have to have another D & C this week sometime - not really looking forward to that. My HCG levels (that's the hormone that's called the pregnancy hormone) should be around zero since it's been over a month that I had our angel baby but instead in a week it only went down ten points to 145. This means that there is some placenta left in my uterus that is producing the hormone and needs to be removed. The doctors have said it's because we tried to keep the baby instead of aborting it right away. Once the baby lost all the amniotic fluid the placenta kinda "grabbed" on to the inside of my uterus more than normal and some of it stayed really stuck and they missed it the first time. So back I go. The doctors office just called too, I go in at 11am tomorrow. So fun...

Friday, November 26, 2010

Doing better

It's so weird - I have good days and bad days, yesterday was not that great a day but today has been much better. I've just been chillin with my two favorite people in the world and it has made all the difference. No black Friday shopping for me - we are getting what we want but there were no sales out there to match what I could find on line so yeah for the internet!! I haven't been doing much crafting stuff and I would really like to get back into that so I've decided to splurge and get what I've been wanting for awhile. :):) Maybe my body is doing a little better too with these antibiotics I've been taking. I've had no pain today either - that's a first in over a week - that makes me very happy. Here's to hoping I'm on the mend.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Been hard...

Wow, I did not think this would be so hard. I just miss my baby soooo dang much! Tomorrow I would be 20 weeks - halfway through my pregnancy. It's really hard not to think that I had such a wonderful perfect pregnancy with Alana and then to have my water break so early - I just can't make any sense of it. My brain and heart are having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that I no longer have a baby growing inside me - it just doesn't feel right. I know all the usual things - that he is up there with Heavenly Father, that we can one day be with him again (if we endure to the end of course), that I have a beautiful little girl here with me right now - and don't get me wrong I cherish all this but in those quite moments before falling asleep or when something just hits me, like a song or seeing a pregnant lady I just kinda die inside a little. Like I said - it's been hard.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Our sweet little boy...

Our sweet little boy has gone back to the care of his Father in Heaven. He was not with us very long but he definitely left a very lasting impression on our hearts. When I am ready I will post more...

Monday, November 1, 2010

I'm here...

Hi everyone - I'm here just tired. Been fighting this for over three weeks now and I'm just not really seeing the end in site - I have good days and bad days. I'm gonna go back to bed now...
(if I can get Alana down for a nap)

Oh yeah, I have an Appointment Wednesday at 1 so we'll see how that goes. May the Lord bless us with a little fluid!

Sunday, October 24, 2010


I know most of you have been reading my face book posts but I just can't seem to keep up with all the questions everyone seems to have so I hope my posting on my blog is okay. I will try to keep you updated as much as possible.

Also please remember that I have no laptop and that I try to be on the computer very little each day. Bed rest is my main goal right now and taking care of Alana - luckily she is being a very good little girl for mommy :) .

Be prepared that I am holding nothing back and it may sound a little depressing and disheartening at times but that is my life right now and I want/need you to know that that is what is happening.

When it is good news I will tell it like it is - when it is bad news I will as well. It may also have a little bit too much detail at times but I will try and not be too awfully gory. Also for those who just read from Google Reader I have posted on the side note what pPROM is all about and a little of my story just as an overview.

So here we go... I will start at the beginning.

I would have to say October 8th was the one of the worst days of my life so far - that is when my membranes ruptured and the doctors told me that there is no hope, to go home and wait for a miscarriage. I now have one of the most high risks pregnancies possible. Preterm Premature Ruptures of the Membranes only occurs in about 3% of pregnancies, and there is only a 1% chance our baby will even make it if I do make it to "full term" which in my situation is considered about 34ish weeks.

As of today I am 16 weeks and 5 days along, my water broke when I was 13 weeks and 6 days. I have about another 17 weeks on bed rest to make it to 34 weeks.

It all started on Friday three weeks ago - it had been a pretty busy day. Running errands, helping family, doing my water aerobics, and fixing dinner for my family that was visiting (all 18 of us) . This is really not that unusual, I am a very busy mama and I love it! My thought was that I had made it past the horrible 12 week point where most miscarriages occur and that I had had a perfectly healthy pregnancy with Alana. I thought I was in the clear.

Well as I was cooking dinner, I was standing at the stove stirring the pot of spaghetti when I suddenly felt a little gush of water - I had actually thought that I just couldn't hold it anymore and I'd just wet my pants, so off to the bathroom I went. After changing, I went back to the stove and not more than 30 seconds later, here came another gush and of course this time I KNEW cause I had just emptied my bladder. So off to the bathroom I went and sure enough - clear fluid.

So I come out of the bathroom and it was absolute chaos in my house! In that 1 min I was in the bathroom the stove had started beeping with an error code, the kids had been called into eat and nobody knew where David or I was! So after having one of the kids go get David, I'm starting to tell him that I'm pretty sure my water just broke - poor David was so overwhelmed what with the beeping still in the background and the kids being kids, it was pretty hard to grasp.

We figured out that the error code was caused by the pot of noodles getting the console in the back of the stove to hot and it didn't like that. We got the kids settled down to dinner and all this time I'm feeling more and more little gushes of fluid. And after hearing what was happening with me, my sisters are pushing us out the door to get to the hospital. Whew it was crazy! My sisters were pretty awesome though and took care of everything. And before we left my wonderful husband and brother-in-law were able to give me a blessing.

So after getting to Kadlec the ER staff was pretty busy but they got us back in a room in about 10 - 15 min. The nurse came in soon after and tried to find a heartbeat with a doppler but it was just to early in my pregnancy for the doppler to find anything. So then the doctor comes in and is able to look and see that my cervix is still closed and that fluid is definitely leaking. So he gets a sample and sends it off to be checked.

So we waited for the results for about an hour, and the doctor comes back in and says that the test was positive for amniotic fluid and that he's really sorry. He said he had called the doctor on call for my ob/gyn clinic and was waiting for a call back, he would let us know what the ob doctor said. About 45 min later he comes back in with the ultrasound machine and says that the doctor said to do an ultrasound to see if there is any fluid. So he checks and there is no fluid at all but there is a heartbeat. He proceeds to give us the bad news that I will probably pass the baby in the next two days and that he is so sorry - he was a very compassionate person, but it was just horribly devastating to us. So after a few minutes we kinda pulled ourselves together and were discharged with the instructions for bed rest and to take antibiotics to decrease infection.

So I get home and immediately head to bed. My sister Becky had already left, since it was so late and my sister Brenda had already been planning on staying the night so she was there and my sis-in-law Nancy was there as well, she doesn't live to far luckily and has been my lifesaver during everything. The bishop and our home teacher came over and together with my husband they gave me another blessing which was so comforting and awesome, it is so wonderful to have such wonderful people in our lives!!

After two days on bed rest we call the doctor on Monday and they want to see us right away for another ultrasound. So I go in and once again there is no measurable fluid but there was a strong heartbeat - this baby WANTED to make it!!!. That is when the Dr advised that I should terminate the baby. That was really hard to take in. Termination. It just wasn't in my vocabulary in regards to a baby. She kept talking about the risk of infection to me and about the risk of my not being able to have more kids and it all just felt so surreal and horrible, I wasn't really grasping anything, I felt like I was in a bubble or something, I think if I wasn't already laying down I may have passed out.

The Dr said she wanted to see me again the next day at labor and delivery in the hospital to see if the baby was still alive and then they would induce labor, if the baby had passed by then. So I went home and stayed in bed for all the rest of Monday and Tuesday - I just didn't feel like I wanted to go in to see her that day so I just didn't go, I was not ready to give up yet! - I waited till the next day, Wednesday.

Well when we got to Labor and Delivery (L&D) the next day they (the nurses) were not expecting us - they were expecting to just call us when they were ready for us, but they were so great and got us in a room and I had blood work done and another ultrasound done. That beautiful sweet baby of ours was still hangin in there!! With still no fluid though - I just couldn't believe that our baby was still fighting!!! Seeing that heartbeat gave me hope. And that's when we knew we were in it for the long haul - if this baby was gonna keep fighting then so were we!!

I told the nurse that as long as there was a heartbeat we were not terminating, no matter the risk to me. That's when Dr. Howerton came in and just told it to us straight, that there is not much hope but it was our choice to keep going. He was really great. He didn't mention termination again then or since, I'm glad we got to see him and not Mrs. doom and gloom Dr from Monday - it made a lot of difference. So after chatting with him for about 20 min or so we went home - he told us that modified bed rest was probably okay cause bed rest didn't seem to matter all that much, and to come back and see him in a week, the next wed.

David went back to work the next day - Thursday - and I took it fairly easy for the next week. I may have done a little more than I should have though. I really had a hard time adjusting to the whole bed rest thing.

Wednesday the 20th I had my fourth ultrasound. It was the same as the other ones - a strong heartbeat and no fluid. Poor baby was troopin along the best way he/she knew how. It just amazes me that they can survive inside for so long and yet outside the womb there may not be any hope.

Once again Dr. Howerton saw me and there wasn't much he could really tell me that I didn't already know. He wanted to see me the next week for another ultrasound but I asked him if we could do it in two weeks - he was like sure, that's fine too. My thought is - it's not like it matters either way it turns out - the ultrasound actually kinda depresses me cause of all the sad and pitying looks I get from complete strangers. I love seeing the heartbeat - don't get me wrong but the no fluid thing really puts a damper on things, definitely no fun.

And that brings us to today. One upside to everything now is that at this point I can feel the baby moving. That is a great feeling and I really cherish every time I feel that sweet baby of mine making him/herself known. Not only do I know that the baby is still with us, and is very reassuring, but it's a time I feel closer to the baby I may never be able to see alive.

I want you all to know that prayers for us are so wonderful - I really do feel the strength from you - and your continued prayers are very welcome. I know it's hard to know what to say in a situation such as mine (if the situation was reversed I know I would feel the same) just know that I read your comments and appreciate any uplifting things you say - I love you all.

Monday, September 20, 2010

3rd Birthday

Happy Birthday my sweet Alana!!!!!

What a fun birthday party we had for our little 3 year old! She had so much fun with her cousins playing and dancing and just having a really fun time. And of course what's a birthday without cake, ice cream and presents!! Hope you enjoy all the pictures :) Oh and thank you so much to my wonderful sister Nancy for taking pictures for us of the party.

Here are just a few things that Alana loves and does:

- Singing and Dancing
- Sings ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle, and Wise Man and Foolish Man, and many other songs
- Love's playing with ALL her cousins
- Can go potty in the toilet for about 6 months now
- Loves Nursery
- Favorite foods are Noodles, Fruit, Meat, Crackers and of course Candy!!
- Loves to help mommy bake
- Cuddles with mommy every morning
- Is starting to recognize letters
- LOVES playing in the dirt and sand!
- Always has to "play" with her belly button when falling asleep (kinda her pacifier)
- and of course loves watching Diego!! (and Dora, and Little Bear, and ... just about anything!)
even watched Bambi last night and loved it.

Beautiful Smile!!
Lot's of cousins and Aunt's and Uncle's
More cousins
Yummy Pizza!
Fun on her riding toy

Opening gifts
More gifts...
She loves what she got!!!

Alana's Diego/Dora Cake...
That mommy made! Everyone LOVED the rocks!!!
Fun with Blowers
Mmmm Cake :)
Must of been good!!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Happy 4th!!

Happy 4th of July to everyone!!
This post is especially to those who've served our country-
in the past, right now, and in the future --
I am so proud to be an AMERICAN!!
Proud of our heritage of strong and beautiful people.
Proud to live in the ONLY TRULY free country in the world!!!

Happy Independence Day!!!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Random pics

Just some random pictures

First David's birthday: It was a lot of fun and I think David really enjoyed it:)

Next picture is David with my niece Kya and of course Alana - Alana loved her little cousin! They were adorable together.

Alana at my sister Becky's house, we were just hanging out for the day with Jeramy while Becky enjoyed some much needed time with her husband who had just came back from a year deployment in Iraq.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


Nothin much going on, just this:

Thursday, March 4, 2010

New Years Eve 2009

This is of my very inventive nieces and nephews. They were so funny cause they all were being very secretive and wouldn't tell any of the adults what they were up to - they made it all up on their own! So cute :) Enjoy!!!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Check this OUT!!

Wouldn't this be awesome to win!! I would love it.